Meet the world’s dumbest pets

By DEREK CLONTZ
Your World Report

Fast Fact: A staggering 150 million Americans own pets. Dogs are the most popular, followed by cats, birds, fish, snakes, hamsters, gerbils, guinea pigs, rabbits and, believe it or not, fancy imported bugs, such as the Madagascan Hissing Roach and Giant Australian Stick Bug, which looks like a preying mantis and grows to the size of a basset hound!

Pets aren’t as smart as you think they are, especially when they do idiotic things like chew on live electrical cords or greedily lap vomit off the floor fearing you’ll get it before they do.

But not even those lapses in judgment can compare with the stone-cold stupidity of the critters that have just been named The World’s Dumbest Pets by Doody Treats, Inc., a Dallas, Texas-based company that makes poo-flavored snacks  for, who else? - pets that like to eat that stuff.

“People like to think their animals are smart, but, in fact, pets act like pea-brained idiots most of the time,” Doody Treats spokesman Candal Myller told me exclusively.

“For every bright thing they do, like bring in the morning paper, they’ll do 10 dumb things — like shred the side of your new couch with their claws or chew the seat belts in your car because you left them alone for two minutes while you ran into a 7-11 for a candy bar.”

And that’s mere child’s play compared to the shenanigans the firm’s contest winners pulled. Here they are:

o 36-24-36 - and don’t forget the gold! A burglar who broke into an upscale home in San Francisco couldn’t have found better accomplices than Tammy the Mynah Bird and Petey the Parrot.

Tammy told the crook where to find her bound-and-gagged owner’s wall safe - and gave him the combination to open the lock.

The parrot chimed in, “Check the hall closet! Check the hall closet!” - alerting the criminal to a metal chest stuffed with gold coins valued at $27,000!

o Attention-deficit monkey. A spider monkey trained to help quadriplegics with simple tasks like eating and punching keys on a computer poked out a crippled man’s eyes when he was distracted by his reflection in a mirror while brushing the guy’s teeth. And no, “eyes” isn’t a typographical error - the idiot got BOTH of them!

o He was no Einstein. Billed as the world’s smartest lab rat, ”Mr. Squiggles” easily negotiated a giant maze that confounded many human children and adults, including several of the scientists who studied him. But his mode of death proved how stupid the critter really was — the fool escaped his cage and poked his cute little head into a spring-loaded mousetrap baited with FAKE cheese!

o Wonder dog’s memory lapse. A border collie named Billy raced 14 miles to get help after his master suffered a heart attack, but he forgot how to get back — leading rescuers to within a quarter of a mile of the man’s farm before he stopped and gave up! By the time cops found the man an hour later, it was too late - he was dead.

o Next time, don’t help me. A 63-year-old woman escaped her burning trailer by running outside but she wound up dying in the fire anyway when Daisy, her German shepherd, got confused - and dragged the old woman back in!

The dog leaped out a window as flames engulfed the old woman and the escape route, landing on the grass outside unharmed.

o Dang! What’s that number again? Cleopatra the cat “sensed” that she could help her owner by calling for help after the old woman fell in a bathtub and cracked open her skull.

Unfortunately, phone records show the thick-headed kitty repeatedly dialed 411 - for directory assistance — instead of 911 — for emergency help. Family members found the old woman four days later … dead.

o So what would he do if he caught it? A guide dog sealed his blind owner’s doom when he forgot his training and chased a motorcycle, dragging the man into traffic - where he was run over by a garbage truck. And the dog? His long leash kept him out of harm’s way, and he survived.

o Stupid pet trick. A rescued circus chimp scared not just one, but two consecutive owners to death by surprising them with his favorite toy — a rubber snake! But “Marty” paid a terrible price for his hijinks - he was euthanized when other prospective owners decided he wasn’t worth the risk!

Question? Comment? What do you think? Write Your World Report Editor Derek Clontz . He reads and responds personally to every letter, often within minutes and always within one business day.

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