Americans are so fat, they need KING-KONG CASKETS

By DEREK CLONTZ
Your World Report

Movers and shakers in the funeral industry say America’s obesity crisis “is stimulating demand” for king-size caskets and jumbo cremation urns for jelly-bellies who are too big and fat to fit in regulation containers.

But the news isn’t all good for the undertaker. According to insider reports:

* Dangerous, out-of-control grease fires in crematoriums designed to incinerate normal-sized people are becoming an everyday occurrence.

* Precious reserves of embalming fluid and formaldehyde are at historic lows, forcing some funeral homes to “water down” what little they’ve got left with household disinfectants, pesticides and chlorine bleach so they can meet extra demand created by dead fatties.

* Lawsuits from mortuary workers and pallbearers who’ve injured their backs trying to hoist lard butts off embalming tables and shuttle them into their graves are so common and lucrative that attorneys who used to tail ambulances are now chasing hearses -- with a vengeance.



"I guess the old saying is true -- ‘You’ve got to take the good with the bad,’" says Daniel Kelm, publisher of the Chicago-based Funeral Trendspotter trade journal.

“On the one hand, we’re seeing the creation of an industry within an industry, and the prospects are really exciting, both for funeral homes -- which stand to make a killing by selling bigger and more expensive caskets and urns -- and for the deceased, who won’t be so cramped in their final resting place.

“On the other hand, we’re seeing increased costs ranging from unanticipated capital investments in bigger cremation ovens to higher insurance costs to cover the cost of treating back injuries and defending against lawsuits.

“Funeral directors are keeping a low profile -- that’s how they play their game. But when push comes to shove, even as they face greater business risks and higher costs, you better believe they’re licking their chops.

“The average cost of a standard-size coffin is $3,000. Double-wide and triple-wide versions with reinforced handles are going for $7,000 and up.

”That's a huge boost in income. And I assure you, as kind and caring as they might seem to be when they’re ‘counseling’ you on the purchase of a casket, they aren’t in the business for their health.”

Specialty coffin makers have made oversized caskets for years to accommodate what eye-rolling mortuary workers jokingly call “elephants" -- but only lately have sales shot through the roof.

And with the federal Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta reporting that 60 million food-crazed Americans are, according to a shocking new report, “packing on pounds like there's no tomorrow," funeral-industry analysts are confident that sales -- and profits -- will increase even more.

Belinda Joffre, of Atlanta, Georgia, shelled out $9,300 for her 430-pound husband’s oversized coffin after he choked to death on a turkey leg at the age of 26, and she says it was worth every penny.

“The funeral was beautiful and it went off without a hitch,“ she says, adding, “I wish I could say the same about my father‘s funeral.

“When he died in 1999, he weighed more than my husband, but nobody told us about ‘comfort-sized’ caskets.

“When they opened his regular casket for the viewing, I kept thinking something was wrong. But I couldn’t figure out what it was.

“Then when the pallbearers started carrying the casket to the hearse one of the handles broke off under Daddy’s weight and he rolled out on the floor.

“I’ll never forget that moment the longest day that I live. His right arm and right leg were missing. The undertakers had taken them off so he would fit in the coffin.

“They even stuffed newspapers in his pants and shirt and arranged everything so we couldn’t tell.”

Joffre's experience isn't common -- but it's not unheard of either,  says Kelm.

"Funeral homes are much better prepared to handle large customers today than they have been in the past," he says. "And let's not forget, in the final analysis, the size and strength of the coffin you buy is up to you."

Question? Comment? What do you think? Write Your World Report Editor Derek Clontz . He reads and responds personally to every letter, often within minutes and always within one business day.

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