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16 things you MUST know about the United Nations
By DEREK CLONTZ
Your World Report
Hardly a day passes when
the United Nations doesn’t make a decision that will affect you and your children for
the rest of your lives.
 But what do you
really know about this oddball collection of weirdly dressed and often shifty foreigners -
many of whom had never seen a fork, telephone, television or car until they arrived at
U.N. headquarters in New York?
"How much do you know about
the United Nations? Probably not much," former CIA operative and U.N. expert Mark
Brandler told reporters attending a Bush administration-sponsored "backgrounder"
in Washington, D.C.
"When you get down to it, I
don’t know how much the U.N. knows about the U.N.
"You can’t rip men and
women off islands and mountaintops and then throw them into a skyscraper in the middle of
New York City and expect them to get any kind of handle on what they’re supposed to
be doing and why they’re supposed to be doing it.
"That is especially true
when you realize that, on average, representatives have just a fourth-grade education.
Many have never set foot in a schoolroom, much less studied in one.
"And yet we expect them to
make decisions about social, political, cultural and military issues that are so complex
the world’s best minds can't make heads nor tails of them.
"Only the U.N. would ask a
man who wages war with a blowgun to weigh in on issues like nuclear disarmament and
chemical and biological warfare - issues that profoundly affect the national security of
the United States.
"For that matter, how can
you ask a man who's accustomed to trading animal skins for sewing needles to figure out
the best way to dole out hundreds of billions of dollars in foreign aid?
"It’s like asking a
baby to rebuild the World Trade Centers with Play Doh and Lincoln Logs. It just ain’t
gonna happen.
 "But for some reason, we
keep pretending that it is."
Brandler, 72, of New York, points
out that most people think of the United States, Russia, China, Japan, Israel, the United
Kingdom, France, Germany and a few other European countries as being the
‘world’.
"But when the U.N. gets
together, you have representatives from 185 countries - let me repeat that, 185,"
continues the expert.
"Try to name just 50 and
you’ll begin to see what a complicated mess the United Nations really is. Most of
these people come from countries that are so backward and poor that only a handful of the
richest citizens have ever used a telephone or seen a newspaper or a TV.
"The life expectancy in
these countries hovers around the age of 40. Just stop and think about that for a moment.
Here in the U.S., our life expectancy is 70-plus.
"But in Afghanistan, for example, and 80 or so other countries, you’re worn out,
actually an old person ready for a senior citizen’s ‘discount card’, when
you hit 39.
"It’s clear that a man
or woman who expects to die at the age of 40 isn’t going to view life and the world
like you and I do - not by a longshot.
"But that doesn’t keep the United Nations from empowering them to make decisions
that affect us all, not just for now, but forever."
Here, according to
Brandler, are little known facts about the U.N.
"If you are shocked,"
he added, "call or write your Congressmen and tell them to stop the madness and get
us out of the U.N.-before it’s too late."
- Over half of all
representatives have visited a witch doctor for medical diagnosis and treatment in the
past year.
Of those, 26 reported "excellent results" after undergoing "psychic
surgery", the bogus, sleight-of-hand procedure that makes it look as if practitioners
are extracting "deadly tumors" from patients without using a scalpel or leaving
a wound of any kind.
- Representatives worship an
estimated 3,000 different gods and goddesses, animals, bugs, plants, rocks and heavenly
bodies-including every planet, at least two satellites and the sun!
This doesn’t count the U.N.’s Hindus, who worship everything that moves-and sits
still. Scholars say there are over 1 million "gods" on the Hindu books at
present, with more being added as true believers stumble on something new to worship
almost every day.
- U.N. security personnel seize an
average of 72 weapons - including knives, machetes, ice picks, handguns, poison powders
and liquids, voodoo dolls and razor-sharp karate "throwing stars" - from members
each and every day the U.N. is in session.
Over the years, although none have died, three representatives actually have been hit with
poison darts while addressing the General Assembly.
- Almost half of
the 185 countries represented in the United Nations consider women to be second-class
citizens with few if any rights beyond the right to bear and rear children and do what men
tell them to do.
- A staggering 82
percent of nationalities represented in the U.N. consider themselves and their people to
be smarter, stronger, prettier and more capable than all other nationalities despite the
passage of hundreds of resolutions declaring all men to have been created equally.
- On at least 22
occasions since the U.N. was founded in 1945, representatives from one backward country or
another have traded their homelands to craftier colleagues for such trinkets as a
malfunctioning boom box, an electric blanket, costume jewelry, Monopoly money and a
six-month supply of Cracker Jacks-less the prizes.
In each instance, the trade was discovered and undone by majority vote of the General
Assembly.
- 7. Dozens of resolutions
proposing animal and human sacrifices to end droughts, plagues and pestilence have been
proposed and narrowly rejected on the floor of the General Assembly.
- Slightly more than
half of U.N. representatives believe that having their picture taken results in the loss
of their souls.
Needless to say, terror ensues anytime anyone pulls a camera out on the floor of the U.N.
and that’s why the movement of news photographers is severely restricted.
- Throughout the
1960s and 1970s a block of 26 Third World countries consistently sided with the United
States against the Soviet Union until it finally occurred to them that they, themselves,
were socialists-and should have been siding with the Russians.
- At last count, 54
percent of representatives absolutely refused to believe that
 American astronauts have been to the moon.
A slightly smaller percentage, 51 percent, think the world is flat and give no more
credence to a newscast showing shuttle astronauts zipping through space than they give to
a Disney cartoon.
- When put to a
vote-as it has been on 11 occasions-grasshoppers and termites consistently rank as the
"official snack food" of the U.N.
- The authors of
children’s books are often enlisted to help write U.N. resolutions so that
representatives will have a better chance of understanding them. It’s never been
stated for the record, but beloved Dr. Seuss is believed to have ghostwritten no fewer
than 600 resolutions before his tragic death earlier this decade.
- Six representatives
have shrunken a head in the past six months-eight others have tasted human flesh.
- One third of
representatives have two or more wives.
- Surveys show that
U.N. representatives are far more fascinated with fire than the general population.
Cigarette lighters and kitchen matches are far and away the No. 1 gift representatives
send back home.
- The official
languages of the United Nations are English and French, but drums - that's right, drums -
have been suggested as an "alternate mode of communication" on at least 26
occasions dating back to the 1960s.
Question? Comment? What do you think? Write Your
World Report Editor Derek Clontz . He reads and responds personally to every
letter, often within minutes and always within one business day.
Remember: Your World Report is the world's fastest-growing
newsmagazine.* Welcome to our family of readers - 2.5 million strong.
* GNI Global Readership Survey 2009.
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