Dear Disa
EDITED By DEREK CLONTZ
Your World Report
Confidentials
- Dear Hot Babe in Martinsville: With that uncontrolled
wildfire you call "78 birthday candles" flaming away on a tin of cupcakes, I
guess so.
- Dear Humping It in Salva: Are you referring to your
daily trek to the welfare office or what you do with every man in town when you've
"got a minute"?
- Dear Horrified Nerd in Bennett: What did you think
you were going to see when you installed mirrors over your bed - a babe in there with you?
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My new hubby rubs lipstick on his own collar!
Dear Disa: The other day my husband of three weeks came
home with lipstick on his collar and I was so jealous and angry and hurt that I almost ran
home to Mama. When I asked what was going on he just chuckled and said:
"Gotcha!" As it turns out, he bought lipstick at the drug store and smeared it
on the collar himself just to make me jealous and to play a big joke. Now I’m not
mad--I love him more than ever! Isn’t he the cutest? - Happy Bride in Readstown
Dear Sucker: He may not be the "cutest" but
he certainly is the LYINGEST. For Pete’s sake, pinhead - you’ve been had.
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Disa: You are NOT God’s gift to mankind
Dear Disa: In a recent column you published a letter
from a child who asked why God had taken his parents away from him in a car crash. He also
asked if you thought he would ever see his parents again. You wrote what even I must admit
was a beautiful letter - one that actually brought tears to my eyes - saying that he
would, in fact be reunited with his parents and the Lord in Heaven.
For that, I commend you. Unfortunately, you just don’t know when to
stop, now do you? As I’m sure your readers will recall, you went on to instruct the
child to put in a good word for you when he gets to Heaven - otherwise, as you further
suggested, you might not get there on your own merits. I must say, Disa, you’ve got
brass. But do you REALLY think the Good Lord doesn’t know what you’re up to? And
do you really think you can pull the wool over His eyes? I doubt it! - Preacher in
Owensboro
Dear Preacher: The Lord works in mysterious ways and
YOU, cousin, should know that better than most. But to answer your question, no, I’m
NOT trying to pull a fast one. I’m merely using every tool at my disposal to lobby
for position while I’ve still got the chance. And if the tales Aunt Millie has been
telling me have so much as a SHRED of truth in them, I strongly advise YOU, your secretary
and your choir director to do the same!
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I’m a 'stinky baby' and really proud of it!
Dear Disa: I want to share something with all your
readers - the joys of pretending to be a baby and even wearing diapers and even going
poopie and potty outside the "usual venues" when you are a grown person. For
many, many years I felt totally unfulfilled as a woman until I met Jack, who showed me how
playing "baby" can fill a person full to overflowing with warm and fuzzy
"good feelings" about himself or herself. Jack and I are both 45 years old and
we play baby in the privacy of our homes at least twice a week now and I feel better and
more alive than I’ve ever felt in my life. Pass this information on to your millions
of readers, Disa. They’ll appreciate it. -Baby Girl in La Plata
Dear Baby Girl: You’re not only NOT a baby, moron,
you’re sick. And if my readers appreciate ANYTHING about this letter of yours,
it’ll be a hearty laugh - at YOUR expense.
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Question? Comment? What do you think? Write Your
World Report Editor Derek Clontz . He reads and responds personally to every
letter, often within minutes and always within one business day.
Remember: Your World Report is the world's fastest-growing
newsmagazine.* Welcome to our family of readers - 2.5 million strong.
* GNI Global Readership Survey 2009.
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