Dear Disa
EDITED By DEREK CLONTZ
Your World Report
Confidentials
- Dear Respected Physician in Boston: Let me make this super-simple so
you can understand it without asking a nurse: A hole in the ground is where you put your
patients after you’ve bankrupted them. That other thing is for YOUR hat.
- Dear Animal-Lovin' Auto Worker in Detroit: Let’s
look at the bright side. People who buy SUV’s are pretty rugged. They might ENJOY
finding a nest of rattlesnakes in their glove compartment.
- Dear Evolutionist in Atlanta: One look at me in a
quick-release teddy and you’d KNOW yours truly - Disa - didn’t evolve
from apes!
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Wrong way gynecologist made a monkey out of me
Dear Disa: I don’t have health insurance and
can’t afford to see doctors for every little thing that goes wrong. Here recently,
however, a friend of mine told me about a gynecologist who had very reasonable office
rates so I signed on with him. He really seemed to be quite the gentleman and made a big
deal about wanting to take care of patients whether they had the means to pay or not. He
even offered to be my general doctor, one who would take care of all my needs, because he
liked me. I took the bait and got in the habit of seeing him for one thing or another at
least once a month.
Regardless of what I was seeing him for, he always wanted to check
"the plumbing," as he called it. But for some reason, he always examined me from
what I guess you could call "the back door." I felt a little uneasy about all
this but as I said, he worked cheap and seemed to know what he was doing. But lo and
behold he turned up in the newspaper the other day as a fraud - he’s not only not a
doctor, he’s a pornographer who’d been taking videos of women’s behinds and
selling them over the Internet. I’m crushed and humiliated, Annie. Tell all your
readers about this. I’ll never trust a doctor again! - Humiliated in Chicago
Dear Humiliated: You
should have known this clown was up to no good when he said he believed in helping people
whether they had the means to pay him or not. Since you chose to look the other way, hey -
you deserve what you got!
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I faked 120 orgasms to keep my husband happy
Dear Disa: I’ve been faking orgasms with my
husband for 10 years now and the poor fool doesn’t suspect a thing. He’d be
devastated if he realized what I was up to. But he doesn’t have a clue. Just so
you’ll know, I don’t have to fake much. Sex with George is a two-minute affair -
and we’re done for the month. - Smart Gal in Casey
Dear Smart Gal: Why you consider faked, once-a-month
sex "a work of genius" is beyond me. And besides, how do you know that
two-minute drill isn’t merely YOUR share of Georgies’ "pie"?
- Dear Feeling Cheated in Plymouth: Your psychiatrist
is wrong! You live in Plymouth, you drive a Plymouth, you once visited Plymouth Rock and
you changed your name to P.L. Ymouth, so yes, the Chrysler Corportion DOES owe you a
living - and a handsome one at that. Too bad they're going bankrupt.
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Faithful dog’s ghost comforts me when times are rough
Dear Disa: My faithful old dog, Hambone, died over a
decade ago but the very second I’m feeling blue or having problems of any kind, his
ghost appears to me in the middle of the night and gives me the strength to get on with my
life and over the hard times. Some people don’t believe in Hambone’s ghost--but
I’m not crazy and I know what I see. When trouble’s brewing, I can count on old
Hambone. Yesiree, I can count on old Hambone to see me through. - Hambone’s
Master in Oxford
Dear Hambonebrain: Has it occurred to you that
Hambone’s ghost might be CAUSING your bad luck? After all, he only shows up when
you’ve got trouble. Coincidence? I think NOT.
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Question? Comment? What do you think? Write Your
World Report Editor Derek Clontz . He reads and responds
personally to every letter, often within minutes and always within one business day.
Remember: Your World Report is the world's fastest-growing
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