Dear Disa
EDITED By DEREK CLONTZ
Your World Report
Confidentials
- Dear Fat and Ugly in Syracuse: For a minute there I
thought I was reading a letter from Martha Stewart.
- Dear Hospitalized in Minneapolis: That’s what
you get for stashing a tube of Ben Gay in that drawer with all your sex lotions.
- Dear Puzzled Patient in Kansas City: Lots of oral
surgeons use crocodile bones, snake’s blood and hoodoo charms on their patients -
especially those with offices in Louisiana.
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Stink-bomb granny’s wrecking my life with her pickled eggs
Dear Disa: My grandmother lives with my mom and dad and
brother and me and she’s pretty cool. The trouble is she has digestive problems. If
she eats things like plain mashed potatoes or white rice and stewed celery she’s
okay.
And as long as somebody watches her like a hawk, she's perfectly willing to toe the line
and stick to her bland diet. But once we turn our backs, the trouble begins. She gets into
my dad‘s pickled eggs and, whew! - we can’t breathe for days. She really breaks
a lot of wind. And to make matters worse, she lies about it and says she didn’t eat
the eggs, even though they’re gone and she has egg stuck around the corners of her
mouth and in her false teeth and on her chin.
How can we get her to see the light so that she eats the food she’s supposed to eat
and stops stinking us out? - Needs Fresh Air in Waterville
Dear Needs Fresh Air: The way I see it you can do one of two
things: threaten her with the old folk’s home, or, for Pete's sake, fool - hide the
stupid eggs!
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What do you give a middle-aged boss who has everything?
Dear Disa: Christmas is just around the corner and I need a gift
idea for my boss. He’s filthy rich and has everything, including twin Ferraris and a
mansion. But I still want to buy him a little something that will get me in good with him.
Any suggestions? He’s a man in his 50s. I’m 23 and just got hired on as his
secretary. - Ambitious in Brookfield
Dear Ambitious: A mini-skirt and a see-through blouse ought to
brighten his day. Of course, YOU’LL have to wear it!
Arnold groped me the same day I sold Rush some pills
Dear Disa: I have a story to tell that every American should
read. Arnold Schwartzenegger the republican pinched my bottom at a party in Palm Beach a
few years ago and another celebrity was there -- Rush Limbaugh, the republican radio king
- and I sold him some pain pills that he was grateful to have. All the republicans at the
party had a good time and I don’t regret anything. I simply want voters
to know that just because a republican fondles a beautiful woman against her will or
takes pills he buys illegally in violation of federal laws governing the sale and use of
controlled and addictive substances, they aren’t “bad” people or
"hypocrites." Most women like a big, strong muscleman to fondle them against
their will in public. And everybody takes prescription pills, even the republican
doctors who prescribe so many of them. I support Arnold and I’ll listen to Rush
forever! - Conservative in Palm Beach
Dear Ms. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi: Just because
you’re a big-shot democrat doesn’t mean you can trash
conservative icons like Arnie and Rush in a bogus testimonial you've signed
with a fake name - especially after you slip up and staple it to a
self-addressed envelope asking me for a campaign contribution and my personal
endorsement ... in your handwriting. Nice try, though. Cute letter!
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Question? Comment? What do you think? Write Your
World Report Editor Derek Clontz . He reads and responds personally to every
letter, often within minutes and always within one business day.
Remember: Your World Report is the world's fastest-growing
newsmagazine.* Welcome to our family of readers - 2.5 million strong.
* GNI Global Readership Survey 2009.
Copyright © 2009 4-Page Media, Inc./Your World Report.
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